The Daily Mail Oncological Ontology Project

Lightbulbs give you cancer

thedailymailoncologicalontologyproject — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 15:27:12 +0000

Oh wait, energy saving lightbulbs will give you skin cancer (and migraines, and eczema, and dizziness).

If they continue at this rate they will classify 936 objects into cancer causing or cancer curing in 2008. That’s not counting the Mail on Sunday.

I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

Running Totals

thedailymailoncologicalontologyproject — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 12:26:35 +0000

OK I am off on holiday, I will leave you with a running total. While I am gone feel free to add any Mail cancer stories in the comments.

Cure Cancer: laughing.

Cause Cancer: nano particles, obesity, sugary drinks, alcohol, bacon, ham, processed meats, salt, saturated fat, sugar, energy saving lightbulbs.

Do I Look Like I Am Laughing?

thedailymailoncologicalontologyproject — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 12:12:22 +0000

Shit. What have I taken on? They do actually run a cancer story every day. We have our 1st cancer cure of the new year. Laugh your way to health, “happy women may be at lower risk of problems such as heart disease, cancer, high blood pressure and obesity.” But not if you are a man, which is me fucked then.

Good job as I am a miserable cunt anyway.

Cancer Watch Day 3

thedailymailoncologicalontologyproject — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 20:08:19 +0000

3 days into the new year and we are still waiting for the Mail’s 1st miracle cancer cure story. In the mean time they tide us over by warning us of 3 more cancer causing evils to add to the list: salt, saturated fat, sugar.

Now to be fair to them it is a fairly sensible, non-hysterical article. Lets hope if their Cancer obsession continues we get more factual articles like this and less of the nanohysteria.

Stop press: fruit and veg good for you

thedailymailoncologicalontologyproject — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 14:45:59 +0000

In an article on Bowel Cancer tests the Mail couldn’t resist sifting through some more substances and splitting them into cancer curing and cancer causing.

To be filed under cancer causing: obesity, sugary drinks, alcohol, bacon, ham, and other processed meats.

But it’s not all bad, they do reveal the important new news that fresh fruit and vegetables are good for you.

Almost enough for a Venn diagram.

Nanoparticles, Willy Wonka and grey goo

thedailymailoncologicalontologyproject — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 11:09:17 +0000

A beautifully confused article from the Daily Mail to kick off the new year. Nano particles, are they awesome or or are they evil?

Well I don’t really care, I just want to know if they are going to give me cancer but Sean Poulter the old tease waits till the final paragraph before telling us.

“Some nano particles are known to mimic the harmful effects of asbestos on the lungs. Consequently, they have the potential to trigger lung cancer if inhaled.”

So first on the list of things to cause cancer in 2008: Nano particles. But it isn’t all bad apparently thanks to the wonders of nano technology we can look forward to Willy Wonka chewing gum, though disappointingly the Mail doesn’t tell us whether this is likely to turn us into a (cancer curing) blueberry.

Judging by this article The Mail is eyeing up Nano Particles as the next “frankenstein foods” but wants to keep the option open of filling its health pages with glowing reports on the inevitable tide of bullshit “Nano health supplements” that are surely on the way.

Can’t wait.

Hello.

thedailymailoncologicalontologyproject — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 22:09:39 +0000

3 words to make your heart sink:

The Daily Mail.

If you have perused its pages lately you may have noticed that alongside the usual stuff about asylum seekers, house prices, and single mothers it has been running a strange project cataloguing all the worlds inanimate objects into those that cure, and those that cause cancer. This blog will follow its progress through 2008 and may occasionally present its findings in the form of a pretty Venn diagram.

Obviously no normal human could possibly read the Daily Mail every day so if you see a Daily Mail cancer story please email it to oncologicalontologyproject AT googlemail.com.